Working with people’s personal disasters on a daily basis has taught me a great deal about what you should and should not say to a person in crisis. The problem is that we live in a society that doesn’t want to talk about adversity. When disaster strikes, it often leads to a whole host of everyday awkward moments, leaving the affected person feeling even more isolated and out of place.
So how can we learn to become better at being there for our colleagues in a crisis?
It is, in my opinion, the most soul baring and brave act a person can engage in, to open up about how they are truly feeling, not just answering “I’m fine.”. The willingness to heal from disaster and devastation; to start building resilience muscles; and to aim for post-traumatic growth takes a lot of courage, support and energy. If someone chooses you as their “go to” person in a situation like this, because they trust you to hold space for their pain, below is some hands on advice on how you can help and what to avoid.
- Acknowledge how dramatically their life has changed. Do not mention that their life will soon “return to normal”, there is only “building a new normal.” Remember that the person’s life will be changed FOREVER, not just the first couple of months. There is no time limit on grief.
- Your friend might not be able to focus completely on work or anything else for a long time. Instead, evaluate how much he/she is able to handle and offer to share the workload.
- Stop by their desk and ask how they are doing, and use the wording “How are you feeling today?” It will acknowledge that every day, even hour, is a struggle to get through. Let them know that you are there to listen, and then make sure to follow up on that promise even if it is uncomfortable for you!
- Meet up for a coffee break or go out for lunch. Don’t avoid them just because you feel uncomfortable or you’re afraid to say the wrong thing.
- Ask him/her what they need right now. Offer practical help, such as grocery shopping, cooking, helping out with the kids, make sure that bills are being paid and appointments are being kept or rescheduled.
- Offer your support and concern. There are no magic words, but at least say something like “I’m so sorry for your loss.”, “I can’t imagine what you are going through.” or at least “I have no idea what to say, but know that I’m here for you.”
- Not everyone wants to talk about private matters at work or in the schoolyard, so respect their privacy if they don’t want to talk. However, make sure they know that you are there for them should they want to talk.
- If the person has lost a loved one, mention the name of the person or animal that died. It means more than you can imagine! You don’t have to be scared of thinking that you might remind them of their loss, they are acutely aware of it all the time.
- Caring co-workers, neighbours, and friends can be a significant source of support and healing to a person going through a life crisis. Don’t downplay your actions or think that what you say or do won’t matter as you “aren’t that close”. It might well be that what you are able to provide might be a hugely important part in that person’s life. When a person feels acknowledged in their pain, suffering and grief, they stand a much better chance of healing their emotional pain sooner.
- Be yourself and interact with the person in the way you did before the life crisis occurred. There is nothing more devastating than when friends, neighbours or co-workers “disappear” or avoid you after a significant crisis.